JINGLE JANGLED

Each year we greet December
Decked out in green and red.
We count the days ’til Christmas,
And dream of what’s ahead.

We picture happy moments —
The sights, the sounds, the smells —
But as the month progresses,
Our tension level swells.

Instead of just relaxing
And taking things in stride,
We structure every minute,
All knotted up inside.

We haul out wreaths and garlands
And fight with tangled lights.
We decorate our rooftops,
Despite our fear of heights.

We wander seven counties
To find the perfect tree —
A process that requires
A forestry degree.

We send out inkjet letters
To people far and near,
Recounting every detail
About our boring year.

We gobble mounds of candies,
Cakes, cookies, tarts and pies,
Which somehow seek out pathways
Directly to our thighs.

We hear our favorite carols
Five hundred thousand times.
(It almost makes a person
Appreciative of mimes.)

We sit around at parties
We’d rather not attend,
Conversing with the husband
Of our neighbor’s cousin’s friend.

We start exchanging presents
With folks we’ve barely met.
(“Gee, thanks, I’ve always wanted
A mini-ratchet set!”)

As Christmas Day approaches,
Sheer panic fills the air.
The malls are packed with shoppers,
All tearing out their hair.

But there’s another option —
Not gimmicks, or a trick.
Let’s take our inspiration
From jolly old St. Nick:

It’s giving, not receiving,
That matters most, we’re told.
The gifts of love and friendship
Cannot be bought or sold.

So give yourself a present —
Wrap up your Christmas stress,
And mail it off to Nowhere,
With no return address.

THE ZAPRUDER FILMS

When President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in downtown Dallas on Nov. 22, 1963, Abraham Zapruder was filming the scene from atop a concrete abutment overlooking the motorcade’s route. As many as eight other onlookers took home-movie footage or still photographs of the shooting, but Zapruder’s is the only film known to exist that captured the entire event. “The Zapruder Film” has been studied and debated for decades, inspiring scientific researchers and conspiracy theorists alike.

In a newly-stabilized version of Zapruder’s footage, two men clap
as President Kennedy’s limousine passes “The Umbrella Man”
and another man, who waves in the foreground.

Recently, through the use of computers, it has become possible to produce stabilized versions of the film — minimizing the distracting “home-movie jitter” of the original footage and smoothly tracking the movement of the President’s limousine, HERE. (WARNING: Graphic content)

By stabilizing the original footage in an entirely different manner, I have been able to shift the emphasis to the onlookers instead of the motorcade — eliminating the left-to-right panning motion of the camera and, essentially, presenting the footage in the form of seven separate and stationary “Zapruder Films.”

For the first time, we can clearly observe people clapping and waving, or calmly watching, as the motorcade moves past them. A young boy steps from between two adults to get a better view of the President’s limousine. A woman who has been walking toward the roadway makes a sudden turn away, just as the fatal bullet strikes the President. One man dives to the ground, while other onlookers begin to back away.

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A young boy steps to the side to get
a better view of the limousine.

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The woman on the right prepares
to photograph the President’s vehicle.

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A woman turns away suddenly as the President is fatally wounded.

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One man dives to the ground as Mrs. Kennedy
starts to climb onto the limousine’s trunk.

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Another group watches as a Secret Service agent
climbs onto the back of the limousine.

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A man and woman watch as the limousine starts to speed away.

JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY

I can’t be exactly sure when I did this drawing and the essay that accompanied it. But, based on my creative spelling (and the way I referred to “Nov. 22″ without specifying a year), I’d guess that I produced it within a few months of the Kennedy assassination in 1963. So, I would have been — nine, maybe? Something like that.

I’m not sure where I got my “facts.” Clearly, I can’t blame the Internet for my unique historical perspective. (Oh, yeah, that’s right — I was nine. Maybe we should think of our current Web-heavy information age as “The Nine-ification of America.”)

In case you can’t read my handwriting, here’s what I wrote:

John Fitzgerald Kennedy 1917-1963

President Kennedy was assasinated Nov. 22 while riding through Dallas, Texas. Mrs. Connally had just said to Mr. Kennedy, “You can’t say Dallas isn’t nice to you,” when the 3 fatal shots rang out. The first one hit the President in the head, the next went into Gov. Connaly’s arm, hand and leg and the next one went into the Presidents neck. Presedent Kennedy slumped into his wifes arms while she shouted “oh no”. Mrs. Kennedy crawled on the trunk of the motorcade, shouting for a secret service man. At this, the car sped off toward the hospital with the wounded president. He was pronounced dead at 1 p.m. that afternoon. Then, Sunday Lee Harvey Oswald, acused assasin of the president was shot in the lower abdomen as he was being taken from the jail. He was shot by Jack Rubenstein, a night club owner.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.

T-SHIRT MASHUPS WE’D LIKE TO SEE

SPOTTED COW

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA’S PORCH

 

More winter snapshots (revised)

FIVE COUSINS

PORTRAITS AND SELF-PORTRAITS

Over the years, I’ve done a number of drawings and paintings of myself — and I’ve been fortunate enough to be the subject of drawings by a few other people. Looking back at this whole collection of portraits, it’s a bit difficult to see how they connect; If I didn’t already know what I look like, I’m not so sure that they’d add up to anything really cohesive. But maybe that’s the secret of caricatures: When they work, they exist outside the constraints of objective reality — while still managing to be truthful.

This first one, a self-portrait, was published in my college yearbook as part of a collection that included the chancellor, the student senate president, a basketball player, a cheerleader and the ever-popular professor who taught Human Sexual Biology:

This next one, also a self-portrait from my college days, is actually a five-foot-wide painting (which currently stares out into the neighborhood from the back wall of my garage):

Back in the Stone Age, when newspaper comic strips seemed like a big deal, I pitched a handful of concepts — one of which featured this pseudo-lookalike:

I’ve managed to save a few things by my friend and former co-worker David O’Keefe:

This O’Keefe sketch marked my departure from The Tampa Tribune in the mid-’90s:

As did this full-blown (and I do mean “full-blown”) caricature:

And here’s one more from the talented Mr. O’Keefe:

For a Christmas letter one year, I drew myself as Mr. Potato Head for a “Toy Story”-themed family portrait:

More recently, I included this self-portrait in one of my “Blogjam” comics:

And another recent cartoon:

But my favorite portraits may be a pair that were drawn by my youngest son, Jeremy; This one is from his Pre-Teen Period:

This last one from Jeremy (as a 15-year-old artiste) provides a glimpse of how “Old Greg” might look in 15 years:

THIS EMPTY, THIS EMPTY

I clipped this from an old magazine a long while ago. (Great image, right?)

BURNING MR. CREOSOTE

A letter to TIME Magazine,Vol. 177, No. 16 — April 25, 2011:

Mistaken Identity?

On the Closeup page, a large group of men in Afghanistan
protest Florida preacher Terry Jones’ immolation of the Koran [April 18].
Yet the image taped onto the head of the body burning in effigy
is that of famed Monty Python comedian Terry Jones.
Why take things out on the hilarious Welshman?

Rob Reagan, Los Angeles